My friends, Matt and Lauren, like to get together with Taryn and I at a bar near where we went to college. I’m not much of a drinker, but every now and then I’ll get a light beer. It generally does the trick. Sometimes, others in the bar have a bit too much to drink, and it usually provides some pretty humorous moments. I remember one time there was a guy at the table behind us who was also drinking a light beer, and he came up to our table and insisted that because we were both drinking light beer, the rest of the restaurant was going to get fat and dance with the eskimos on top of the leaning tower of Pisa, which would then fall over and it would be all our fault because we didn’t convince everyone else to drink light beer. It was an incredibly awkward moment that was accentuated by him tearing his shirt off and screaming “I have beer flavored nipples!!!” to the entire restaurant. He was ushered out before anyone had a chance to taste his nipples to see if he was lying.

There is a contest where you text “BEER” to 247365 and then take a survey and you can win a $300 amazon gift certificate. The survey is about light beer. If you could use an extra $300 for Amazon (and let’s face it, who couldn’t?), I recommend doing this. Standard text messaging rates apply.

My college speech coach told me a story this evening about her daughter, Maggie. When Maggie was about five, she had a fascination with scissors. That’s never a good thing. My coach was away, and her husband was watching the kids. When she got home, her husband told her that her youngest daughter told him she had hurt her eye and so she wrapped a dress around her head and went to bed. My coach thought this was a little odd, but kids will be kids, so she didn’t really think much about it until the next morning. The daughter woke up and came out and forgot to wrap her dress around her head. She had cut off all of the hair on one side of her head, but left the other side intact. The hair wasn’t just cut, it was evidently so short that it looked as though someone had used buzz clippers. My coach, amidst her crazed reaction, asked her daughter what posessed her to do such a thing. Maggie replied, “I had scissors, but no paper!” Moral of the story: Use birth control.